After viewing Philip Noyce’s Salt starring the incomparable Angelina Jolie the Chocolate Review was left with several questions like, “Why didn’t we go see Inception for the third time?” and “What could I possibly say to this theater manager that would inspire him to hand over a full refund?”
I guess we’ll begin by telling you what was good about this film before we flood you with our unbridled opinion. Every once in a while we like to see a good film that makes us guess until the end. Well, Salt did a great job of doing that and in a very intense way. Problem is, they only kept it up for about 20 minutes. The other 100 were filled with some of the most laughable action stunts witnessed since Dolph Lundgren had a bone to pick with Van Damme.
Two things stood out above all else. First, if there are any aspiring Russian moles out there looking to get into the business- apparently its an easy gig. According to this movie you would have to do the very least amount of strategic infiltrating to accomplish any attack against the US government on US soil. Seriously. Evelyn Salt did it, in heels. We were surprised the White House didn’t release a statement reassuring the country that it’s not this easy to end the world via breaking into the White House. Then again, after that gatecrasher scare…
The second pillar of annoyance that held up Salt were Jolie’s action scenes. Now, when we go to the movies we don’t expect a grand interpretation of reality. It’s the movies. Our imaginations are capable of bending the rules of natural life to fit into a story’s world. That being said, when you ask me to believe that a 100 pound woman can jump down an elevator shaft like a spider monkey and keep up with said elevator until the bottom floor without a single injury or a mild limp- I check out. Now imagine about eight other action stunts with the same amount of glorious irrationality and you’ve got yourself a pretty good gauge on what to expect.
Off the bat we were totally intrigued by where the story was going. Once it was revealed that Evelyn Salt could possibly be a Russian spy we cared and genuinely wanted answers. As with most movies, we thought we’d have to wait the length of the film to get our answer. Not the case. They tell you in the first act. WHY would you draw people into a theater with a tag line like “Who is Evelyn Salt?” then tell them who Evelyn Salt is twenty minutes into the film? They didn’t tell us what was eating Gilbert grape twenty minutes in. They didn’t tell us what happened to Baby Jane twenty minutes in. What the heck makes Salt so special?
But that’s the least of the story flaws in this film. We don’t want to give anything away but once you’re done watching this movie and you’re driving home in your car you’ll realize that the story doesn’t make any sense. There were holes- BIG HOLES that pretty much killed the emotional pull of the story. But who cares about story holes when Angelina is kicking butt and taking names in a tight, $1,500 business suit? Certainly not the men.
Overall, Salt was a flavorless let down. We love suspense thrillers and the best ones have even a modicum of reality in them. This one did not. We respect Angelina and her myriad of great roles which is the only thing preventing us from shunning her completely. But just like Leonardo had to redeem himself with Inception after Shutter Island, next time, Angelina needs to come hard. Otherwise we’re just gonna have to leave her in limbo. And if that last line didn’t ring with irony- go see Inception. You’re late. Speaking of irony the only thing salty about this movie was us. Why? Because we paid the money. Swindle!
The Chocolate Review gives Salt 1.5 out of 5 stars for the following reasons:
• Answering the big question of the movie in twenty minutes
• Angelina’s accent
• Story flaws
• The elevator shaft scene. You’ll get it when you see it.
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