The Chocolate Review: Twilight and The Last Airbender

Twilight: Eclipse and The Last Air Bender

Usually we give every movie it’s own personal review but after witnessing two of the worst summer movie disappointments of 2010, we changed the plan. We got two bad movies for
the price of, well, two bad movies and if we can save your wallet at
least one dollar’s worth of regret- our work is worth it.

We’ll start with Eclipse, Twilight’s third installment and the first offender of this week’s utter let downs. We’ve all seen those
scary previews where heads levitate out of a pond and someone says, “They’re building an
army.” You get creeped out
and start thinking this might be a decent movie, right? Wrong. Eclipse tricked us into the theatre thinking we
were going to see some sort of epic battle between the werewolves and
vampires. The supposed vampire “army” consisted of twelve of the most
malnourished vampires we’ve ever seen. We could hand count them.
Literally. There was no army of the undead, no big shebang and
definitely not a climax. Just Dakota Fanning in a Halloween costume
playing tag in the woods with some computerized wolves.

Bella was still, annoyingly bland, Edward was still pale and strange and Jacob’s
abs are STILL the only redeemable thing about the Twilight film franchise to date. Put plain and
simple, Eclipse
was not worth the money or
sleep lost while waiting for the midnight showing. It was more of the
same old Bella/Edward/Jacob love triangle that grew old two years ago.
We’re a hundred percent convinced that if you don’t read the books, you
can’t like these movies. It’s like they’re written and directed solely
for the people who indulge in them. We’re so tired of people telling us
that we have to read the series to fully take in the importance of these
juvenile and simple stories. Are you serious? That’s like telling
someone who stepped in dog crap that had they known the precious little
dog it came from, it’d be a better situation. Not the case.

Speaking of blazing disappointments, lets move on to the strongly anticipated The Last Air Bender, which should have been called the last
M. Night Shyamalan film we’ll ever pay to see with our hard earned cash.
This movie was bad for so many reasons it’s hard to find a starting
point. But before we go into detail we must first warn you that you
should NOT see this movie in 3-D. Why? Because the extra 5 bucks you’ll
pay for the ticket isn’t worth the blurry, flat opticals you’ll end up
getting. In fact, we thought it might have been more enjoyable in
regular 2D because the only thing worse than a bad movie is a bad movie
that gets closer to your face.

Other than the fact that this movie was thrown together with spit and hope absolutely nothing jumped
out at you. The writing was so bad you could literally see the script
pages as the dialogue was spoken. Aang, the last air bender, is played
by Noah Ringer who we’re confident is an otherwise decent child actor.
Sadly, because of the awfulness of the story/action/vfx/acting/3-D
effects/blocking/directing/etc. you wanted this kid to get caught just
so the movie would end. You know its bad when you actually want the hero to hurry up and face death just
so the credits will start rolling. That being said, we can’t quite blame
Noah’s less than glorious performance on him alone.

I mean, M. Night wrote the trash this poor little boy had to say, and then directed
him on how to say said trash in a certain kind of way. As far as we’re
concerned neither Dev Patel, Noah Ringer nor Nicola Peltz are
responsible for the complete cinematic disaster that is The Last Air Bender. We put full responsibility in the hands
of the man who hasn’t made a movie worth seeing opening night since The Sixth Sense. Although we wanted to applaud Shymalan
on is his cultural pride, it was negated by the fact that the two main
characters Katara and Sokka who were Asian in The Avatar cartoon have suddenly become Caucasian
in the movie. It became abundantly clear that the casting wasn’t an
accident. All that being said…we’re really wishing M. Knight would have
kept this one to himself. And maybe Lady in the Water too. And Unbreakable. Oh, and the Village, yeah, we can’t forget that one.

Overall, both Eclipse and The Last Air Bender were complete and utter disappointments. We went in expecting Eclipse to be long, sappy and boring and it was long, sappy and
boring. Its terribleness was dependable and even that, we can respect.
But The
Last Air Bender went out of
its way to look like an entertaining summer must see. And when you do
that…you better bring it. The only thing that movie brought was a deep
seated feeling of intense regret, anger and the unexplainable sense that
we’d just been robbed. Robbed of our time, our money and our faith in
the 2010 summer movie season. Thank you Eclipse and The Last Air Bender
for reminding us that adaptations are often better left un-adapted.
SAVE YOUR MONEY PEOPLE!

The Chocolate Review gives Eclipse 2 out of 5 stars for the following reasons:
●For being the same exact thing as part 2
●Calling 12 vampires an army
●Looooong and booooooring
●Bella

The Chocolate Review gives The Last Air Bender 1 out of 5 stars for the following reasons:
●Horrific writing
●Bad acting that made you want to throw a shoe at the screen
●That little bald headed boy who couldn’t carry the role, and the random race
change
●The terrible, bootleg 3-D